FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS
It was a day I will never forget. The day I felt real happiness. It felt almost like the feeling was going through my veins and blood and warmed up my whole body. I was overwhelmed of what was going to happen and how my life was going to change. It was the day we moved.
It was the day we started packing our cars and boxes all around the house were full of our stuff. I was hanging on our old tree that grew in our yard. I felt wind blowing my hair and saw our dog laying in the sun. The tree was like 100 years old Chinese tree and I was thinking all the things that happened in that house and all the memories.
Suddenly I remembered the ''treasure'' I buried when I was little. I promised myself that when I grow old I will dig that up. But now that we were moving and weren't staying in the house no longer I had to get it up. I couldn't even remember what the thing was. I was excited but at the same time happy. I ran in my room and started looking for the shovel and map that I created for finding the treasure.
I started digging the ground with the little map that I had kept for so many years it was already starting to fade. Suddenly I felt hitting something hard. I tried to get it with my hands and felt something cutting my finger. I felt pain and looked closer, it was the edge of the box and I picked it up carefully. My finger was bleeding little but it didn't matter to me. I just wanted to open the box and look what was inside of it.
I ran to the patio and took a deep breathe. The box had lock on it and I of course didn't have the key for it anymore. I started looking around for something that could break the lock. I jumped around and almost fell trying to get in the top shelf. I saw some tool box that my dad had and found there some kind of scissors and started opening the lock. When I finally broke the lock I went in to my room. Before I entered I froze at the door and was staring in to my room. I almost didn't recognize it without my stuff. I sat in corner with the box and opened it.
I saw some old paintings that I had made. And then I recognized our old friendship bracelets that we made with my childhood friend that lived in the same yard. I saw two letters that I remembered writing for ourselves when we got older. Without thinking I stood up and started walking to my friends house. I didn't wanna call or text because I was leaving and wanted to see after a long time. I ringed the door bell and was little nervous. We haven't seen in like two years and I started feeling a panic taking over me. After a while waiting no one opened door and I thought what will I do now ? I left the box in their front door and started walking home.
I got home and sat in the living room that still had some stuff left. My parents were driving other stuffs in to our new home and I was alone. I reached to get some cookies. After a while laying down I heard someone knocking on our door. I got up and went open the door an saw my childhood friend. She asked me to come out to play football. I went and we talked for like solid hour straight about our childhood and memories. Then I had to leave but we promised to talk and text with each other.
It was a day I will never forget. The day I felt real happiness. It felt almost like the feeling was going through my veins and blood and warmed up my whole body. I was overwhelmed of what was going to happen and how my life was going to change. It was the day we moved.
It was the day we started packing our cars and boxes all around the house were full of our stuff. I was hanging on our old tree that grew in our yard. I felt wind blowing my hair and saw our dog laying in the sun. The tree was like 100 years old Chinese tree and I was thinking all the things that happened in that house and all the memories.
Suddenly I remembered the ''treasure'' I buried when I was little. I promised myself that when I grow old I will dig that up. But now that we were moving and weren't staying in the house no longer I had to get it up. I couldn't even remember what the thing was. I was excited but at the same time happy. I ran in my room and started looking for the shovel and map that I created for finding the treasure.
I started digging the ground with the little map that I had kept for so many years it was already starting to fade. Suddenly I felt hitting something hard. I tried to get it with my hands and felt something cutting my finger. I felt pain and looked closer, it was the edge of the box and I picked it up carefully. My finger was bleeding little but it didn't matter to me. I just wanted to open the box and look what was inside of it.
I ran to the patio and took a deep breathe. The box had lock on it and I of course didn't have the key for it anymore. I started looking around for something that could break the lock. I jumped around and almost fell trying to get in the top shelf. I saw some tool box that my dad had and found there some kind of scissors and started opening the lock. When I finally broke the lock I went in to my room. Before I entered I froze at the door and was staring in to my room. I almost didn't recognize it without my stuff. I sat in corner with the box and opened it.
I saw some old paintings that I had made. And then I recognized our old friendship bracelets that we made with my childhood friend that lived in the same yard. I saw two letters that I remembered writing for ourselves when we got older. Without thinking I stood up and started walking to my friends house. I didn't wanna call or text because I was leaving and wanted to see after a long time. I ringed the door bell and was little nervous. We haven't seen in like two years and I started feeling a panic taking over me. After a while waiting no one opened door and I thought what will I do now ? I left the box in their front door and started walking home.
I got home and sat in the living room that still had some stuff left. My parents were driving other stuffs in to our new home and I was alone. I reached to get some cookies. After a while laying down I heard someone knocking on our door. I got up and went open the door an saw my childhood friend. She asked me to come out to play football. I went and we talked for like solid hour straight about our childhood and memories. Then I had to leave but we promised to talk and text with each other.
1.I was hanging on our old tree
ReplyDelete2.I started digging the ground
3.Felt something cutting my finger
4.I jumped around
5.I went into my room
6.I ringed the doorbell
7.Started walking home
8.I reached to get some cookies
9.She asked me to come out to play football
I like the way you write. The way you tell the story is so nice. There is quite much adjectives and you are describing things. I enjoyed reading the text.
Then couple more things which are probably not wrong written but which I would change in my text:
I paid attention to some phrase verbs, for example grow old- grow up.
I didn't wanna call or text because... I didn't want to call or text her/him -just to make sure to who
She asked me to come out to play football. I went and we talked for.... I went out -just to tell where you went
1. I was hanging on our old tree
ReplyDelete2. I started digging the ground
3. felt something cutting my finger
4. I jumped around
5. Before I entered I froze at the door
6. I ringed the door bell
7. started walking home
8. I reached to get some cookies
9. She asked me to come out to play football
I thought that the story was great. Not many problems with language. The only mistake I saw was ringed instead of rang. Also the pictures were added to the story quite effortlessly. The only one that I thought was a bit stiffly put in was the last one. Also I really liked the way you fleshed out some moments. The best one in my opinion was when she froze in front of the room because it kind of shook me in a good way.